October 24, 2023
Today is my parent’s 64th wedding anniversary. 64 years is kind of mind blowing. And I’d say they have hit this milestone because my mom is a saint (kidding but not kidding.)
My parents’ roles were very traditional, he worked, and she took care of the home and children. My mom has been a devoted caregiver throughout those 64 years (well at least until these last few years when Alzheimer’s has taken its toll.) Being a warm and loving caregiver was paramount for her as she didn’t feel that from her own mother. She cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, grocery shopped and more all while working at the shop they owned. More importantly, she attended to our emotional needs. We all felt her love deeply and she’s been that secure base that we always came back to. She is home to me. As we transitioned into adulthood, she was the parent who kept in touch with us. If I called the house and my dad answered, it would be a momentary hello and then “here’s your mother”.
Over the past few years, their roles have reversed and my father is now the caregiver. Everything she did for him over those many years of their marriage, he is now doing. He sets out her breakfast, makes her lunch, does the laundry and forces her to do her exercises every day. He plans for dinner, makes the grocery list and has even tackled going to the grocery store. After all of those years of her life being devoted to his care, the tide has turned and his life is now devoted to her. He takes some time for himself on Tuesdays and Thursdays when Kinga is here but the rest of the time he is watching her, making sure she’s safe and calling in reinforcements when needed.
In the last few years of her disease, when she became confused about the details of her life, my dad would correct her, and try to bring her back to “reality” or present day. I think it was hard for him to accept that she no longer lives in the present. She’s most often in the past...in another time or part of her life. I encouraged him to meet her where she was in time. It was a hard concept for him to digest because he didn’t want to lie to her but I think he has found some peace with it.
In these last years of their marriage my father has become softer, warm and caring. He remembers birthdays and keeps in touch with people. He worries that I’m doing too much and is genuinely excited when I leave the house to spend time with friends. Their roles have completely reversed. I’m happy he has the opportunity to give back to her a portion of what she gave him and our family. It seems full circle.
Wedding Day with my Paternal GF, Carl Wold Sr.