October 18, 2023
I went downstairs this morning for my usual routine, write my note to her, feed Kai, get the pills ready and then before heading back up I poke my head in to see if they are both still in bed. It’s hard to see in the dark, but I notice a pile of something on the couch that wasn’t there when I put her to bed last night. I walk in to examine further and I hear my mom moaning. I go to her bed and she is sleeping. It seems like she is having a dream. I take a better look around now that my eyes have adjusted to the darkness. I notice her walker isn’t by her bed and the pile on the couch are sweaters, her iPad, glasses, deodorant and toothbrush. She was packing to leave again but this time in the middle of the night. She wakes up and I ask her if she’s OK. Are you in pain? No she says. Are you OK? Yes she says and asks why. I say you were moaning in your sleep. Did you have a bad dream? Yes she was dreaming. She said I didn’t die in it. She’s talking of death more.
I begin the search for the walker assuming she left it in the bathroom, but it isn’t there. The next logical place is the closet and that’s where I find it. It’s now turned into a clothes rack with more of her sweaters and jackets pulled off the hangers and are draped all over the walker. By this time my father is awake, and is wondering what is going on. I point to all the clothes because it is impossible to talk to him without his hearing aids. He is severely hearing impaired. But that doesn’t stop him from trying to have a conversation with me which frustrates me because I’m not going to scream what happened while I’m cleaning everything up.
He puts away all the toiletries. I go in the closet and put away all the clothes. He grabs the walker and moves it by her bed. We leave the bedroom and I can now talk to him (a little). He didn’t see or hear (shocker) her wake up but noticed the bathroom light was off which is an indication she was in the bathroom at some point. He keeps the light in the bathroom on always for them.
I go upstairs and start my day, get breakfast, share with Eric and Maggie what I found downstairs. I try to decide if I should be more worried about her wandering. If we should install cameras inside their apartment. I don’t think it makes sense because it is an invasion of their privacy. And I wonder what I would have done if there was a camera installed. Even if I was notified that she was up I would have been woken up in the middle of the night, lost sleep, and would have a difficult time functioning today. And the outcome would not have been any different.
I feel this is where I am in this process a lot...no good decisions anywhere. Certainly no right ones.