Thanksgiving 2023
For Thanksgiving, my cousin Tanya, her husband and 7 year old daughter made the trip to Connecticut. I had shared with Tanya that I believe this is the last Thanksgiving where my mom will be able to participate as I’m fairly sure she won’t be mobile next year. It was important to them that they come down and spend time with all of us. We all enjoyed the visit very much.
As they were leaving Tanya came to say goodbye to my mom. They hugged a long time. Tanya later shared with me that the hug made the whole trip worth it. As I watched them, I could see my mom was really there. She wasn’t giving a polite hug but a warm loving embrace to a person she has loved like a granddaughter since the day she was born. She held on tight and for a long time. I don’t know if words were exchanged but there didn’t really need to be. She knew who she was hugging and why it was so important for the both of them. Later that night as we were getting ready for bed I told her Tanya texted and they got home safely. She said that’s good and “it looks like she is doing well for herself” and I agreed. A subtle recollection of how much she worried about her when her parents abandoned her at 17 years old.
Tanya’s mother was my closest cousin growing up. She was about 10 years older than I was and I loved her so much. She spent a lot of time at our house. Carol’s relationship with her parents seemed fraught with conflict although I never knew why. What I did know was that Carol was often sad and upset. And when she was sad and upset, she would come to our house to see my mom. I can remember times when Carol and my mom would lock themselves in our bathroom and although I never knew what happened, I knew my mom was comforting and supporting her. As I reflect now, I assume my mother could relate to Carol because the relationship with her mother was difficult and complicated.
When Carol was 18 years old, she got pregnant with Tanya. She was 19 when she gave birth. She married Tanya’s father, I assume because it was the “right” thing to do. Their relationship was tumultuous and neither brought out the best in the other. Tanya though, was a gift. I was 10 years old at the time and I was thrilled to have a baby cousin. I babysat her when I became old enough and she spent a lot of time at our house. My mother’s relationship with Tanya was very special. Stepping in as a surrogate grandmother, taking care of her, loving her, worrying about her and feeling proud of her.
When Tanya was a teenager, her parents moved to Vermont in what I can only assume was a way of fleeing the endless conflicts they seemed to be involved in at home. My mother and I were very worried about the impact of the move on Tanya. A few weeks before Tanya’s high school graduation, her mother abandoned them. She fled to a different part of the country without a word or explanation. From what I know, the only person Carol maintained any sort of contact with was my mother and my mother continued her role as Carol’s emotional support until one day when Carol pushed it too far and the relationship ruptured permanently. Tanya, during this time, was a 17 year old who found herself alone, with no parents trying to make her way in the world. My mother and I worried so much about her. We wanted her to move back to Connecticut but she had established friendships there and didn’t want to uproot herself again. We understood. Over the years, Tanya has made her way. She went to college, got married, became a stepmother and then gave birth to a daughter. My mom has supported her through it all. Watching her decline is very hard for Tanya. She and I talk regularly and process our feelings of grief, sadness and appreciation for how my mom has supported both of us. My mom has not forgotten Tanya. She knows who she is and knows how much she loves her. I’m grateful for all of us that she can maintain that connection. That hug this week was a clear sign of that connection and I’m grateful they both were able to have that moment.